A Kenyan woman has sparked a heated conversation online after opening up about a decision she made years ago that she now considers one of the biggest mistakes of her life — paying her own dowry and almost single-handedly organising her wedding.
Sharing her story on TikTok, the woman said she was living in South Africa when she met the man who would later become her husband. Although their relationship had grown abroad, she decided that their marriage should be celebrated in her Kenyan hometown, largely because of the importance she attached to her cultural traditions.
She travelled back home and immediately began preparing for the wedding.
But instead of leaving the traditional marriage arrangements to her family and the groom’s side, she found herself personally coordinating relatives, committees and virtually every aspect of the ceremony.
One of the biggest hurdles was dowry.
According to the woman, she persuaded her family’s wedding committee to waive the traditional dowry after invoking the wishes of her late grandmother.
She said her grandmother had strongly believed that her daughters should never be treated as commodities or “sold” through dowry payments.
To strengthen her argument, she even brought a witness who could confirm that this was indeed her grandmother’s wish.
The dowry itself was therefore waived, but the groom was still expected to make customary contributions, including providing food and making symbolic payments associated with the traditional marriage process.
There was, however, another challenge.
The groom had no relatives in Kenya who could represent him during the ceremonies.
Determined to make everything work, the woman said she hired a family and asked some of her friends to pretend to be the groom’s relatives.
Her friends stepped in, contributed money and stood by the groom during the traditional proceedings.
But as the wedding preparations progressed, she realised that she was carrying almost the entire financial burden.
Her brother stepped in and bought the wedding dress and cake. A friend donated chairs, while members of the community helped provide food and the venue. She also organised the bridal cars.
From the groom’s side, she said, the only significant contribution came from his cousin.
Looking back, the woman says she had effectively organised — and even financed — her own marriage.
“I essentially married myself,” she recalled.
At the time, she may have viewed her actions as a practical way of ensuring the wedding happened despite the challenges. But years later, she says she sees things very differently.
Her experience has also changed the way she views the cultural significance of dowry.
According to her, dowry should not simply be viewed as money or property changing hands. She believes it can serve as a cultural safeguard, creating a relationship between the husband and his wife’s family and giving the in-laws a sense of responsibility and accountability toward the marriage.
She therefore warned women against taking over the man’s responsibilities, particularly when it comes to dowry.
“Do not let a man contribute nothing, and do not fund his side of the dowry,” she cautioned.
The woman admitted that she was young and lacked parental guidance when she made the decision.
Describing her younger self as a “foolish young woman,” she said she simply did not know better at the time.
Her story has since triggered debate, with some people agreeing that traditional marriage practices can provide an important support system, while others argue that modern couples should be free to organise and finance their weddings in whatever way works for them.
For the woman, however, the lesson is deeply personal: love may bring two people together, but marriage also comes with responsibilities — and one partner should not be left carrying the entire burden alone.
